In a Manner of Speaking
"Shame on you!" my friend reprimanded her daughter at a kid's soccer game recently. "Walk behind people's chairs, not in front of them." WHUH? Once again, I discovered that I have bad manners. I've been to dozens upon dozens of soccer games in the last 13 years, and it never once occurred to me that I would obstruct parents' views by strolling by as they as they cheer on their goalies and defenders. It's common sense, right? Not to me.
Although my parents are no wild animals -- they seem to have the basic laws of etiquette mastered -- I seem to have been raised without a clue. So when my son R didn't say thank you to friend's father for giving him a ride to party (see All Manner of Bad Manners), I was disturbed, but not as much as my peers would have been. This is par for the Rona Gindin course.
I clearly remember my first indication that I'm a social retard. At 4 years old, I was eating dinner at a neighbor's house."Rona!" her mother scolded. "Chew with our mouth closed!" WHUH? I asked her to explain and learned that it's proper to keep your lips closed while chewing. At home the next evening, I caught my father with a glob showing and shared my newfound knowledge. "Gina's mother is right, you should chew with your mouth closed," my mother explained. "We're too old to start now, but you're not." And so I never really tried.
Fast forward six years. I was 10, eating my lunch at a picnic table at the South Shore YMCA, when my counselors began laughing. Hysterically. "Look at how she holds her fork!" they guffawed. "It's like she's using as shovel!" WHUH? Somehow, my folks never noticed that since I began using utensils I'd never positioned them correctly in my hand. I grabbed the stem with my fist, overhand, and got to work.
I was no better at conversation. At 13, a friend saw a grown-up she knew. "How are you, Bonnie," the woman asked."Fine, and you?" Bonnie responded. WHUH? That's what you're supposed to say? I had never once uttered more than "Good" in that situation. How do people know these things?
I corrected each etiquette error as I learned it without much ado. Once I began attending business meals, however, I noticed what a dining dunce I am. Turns out there are rules for where to put your napkin when you leave the table, how to butter your roll, which spoon to use first if more than one is set on the table. WHUH?
Knowing I'm at a disadvantage, you'd think I'd have insisted on my sons following proper protocol from age 2. I meant to. I get tired, though, and worn out from bigger battles, and now they're teenagers with the table manners of baboons. The 17-year-old has begun figuring out what counts as decent behavior himself. Here's to hoping the younger one takes on the burden of caring at some point too. Just as I'm about to brush a hand away for picking at the family-style platter with two fingers, I'll realize I just plunked a piece of food in my mouth the same way. Feet on the chair? Oops, look at mine. You get the idea.
It's a blessing to me that Americans have gotten more lax about manners in general; I'd be screwed otherwise, and so would my boys. But to some degree it's important to use decent behavior in society.
Where's the line? I think we can all agree that "please" and "thank you" are essentials, and that it's offensive to see the food in people's mouths. But a guy standing every time a gal does at the table? Placing a knife just so on the plate between bites? What manners are essential, and which are optional? Where do you draw the line? I'm certain you draw it farther to the right than I do, but I want specifics. And lessons.
www.ronagindin.com
Am I the only one who took the survey?
Reply to this
Jimmy, It turns out you're not the only one! I was wondering myself. Turns out that 12 people took the survey total between the first three blog entries. Thanks for giving me nice ratings, everyone.
Reply to this
A few years ago I was seated next to a woman I had never met before at a formal charity dinner. After I finished the entree she leaned over and criticized the way I put my knife and fork down on my plate.She was very upset when I didnt rearrange them properly. Then she asked if I was going to finish something I'd left on my plate. Before I could answer, this stranger took her fork and started eating my leftovers off my plate. I think eating from a strangers plate without permission shows less manners than the position you leave your knife and fork in when done eating
Reply to this
Okay, I know I'm late to the "manners" discussion table, but had to process this for a while.
Wake up people!! Manners are not what counts. It is Compassion and CARING for others that counts. Does the name Eddie Haskell mean anything to anybody?!? Just because a child has been trained to use manners doesn't mean they are the ones that I want my children to be hanging out with (Can you pass the cocaine straw PLEASE?).
I have often taken offense to being called "Ma'am". Where I am from ma'am is a term used for older women and store clerks. My daughters (7 and 10) have been corrected many time when they say "yes" to an adult here in Florida. I have instructed them that if they are going to say "yes, ma'am" to a woman, they better look the person in the face and MEAN "yes, ma'am, I know you are a person older and wiser than I am and I respect you and your opinion," otherwise, don't bother. Too many times I have heard the robotic "yes, ma'am," or "thank you, Mrs. Lord" when a child hasn't meant it. I have also driven numerous children to parties etc., and have seen them have a great time or share stories of their experiences, which has meant a great deal more to me than a simple "thank you."
To summarize, I think if we teach our children not to take advantage of others, to respect elders sincerely, and to have compassion for others, the manners will follow naturally.
More specifically, Rona, the man who drove R to the party over reacted, and the woman who was annoyed at the soccer game needs to remember why she was there in the first place.
Reply to this
I had many a knife rapped on my knuckles when dealing with a dinner roll (they didn't exist at home, only at restaurants). No, Karen, you DON'T saw at the roll with your knife (swat). No, Karen, you DO NOT butter the entire roll at once (swat, ouch). No, Karen, you NEVER pick up the roll and bite it (double swat, scream). What you DO do, Karen, is break off small pieces of the roll, one at a time, and butter them --ONE AT A TIME -- before politely placing it in your mouth (only don't, because bread and butter are fattening).
To this day, I cringe when I see people manhandling dinner rolls the way I did as a child. Though it's tough for me to hold it in, I have shared this experience with select friends of mine to cure them of this gaffe. I don't want them to have scarred knuckles, either!
Reply to this
You know, Karen, in a way I'm envious that you were trained that way. The nastiness, no, but in the end you know the rules -- without even thinking about them. Somewhere along the line someone told me I'm supposed to break off little pieces of a roll and butter them individually, yet I always wonder if I'm remembering the instructions wrong. In a way it's ridiculous that this rule even exists. But since it does I might as well not be the social buffoon who slabs butter over the whole thing and shoves it in my mouth.
Reply to this
I like your style, the fact that your site is a little bit different makes it so interesting, I get fed up of seeing same-old-same-old all of the time. I've just stumbled this page for you
Reply to this
This is my first time at your blog and I've really enjoyed looking around. I will come back again in the future to check out some of the other articles.
Reply to this
I can see that you are an expert in this field! I am launching a website soon, and this information is very useful for me. Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success in your business.
Reply to this
What an interesting blog! Thanks for the write up.
Reply to this
This article is informative – you have a lot of recent neat info.I enjoy your website design where'd you get the theme?
Reply to this
I have a wonderful designer. http://betsyarvelo.com/
Reply to this
I do have to admit that I take pleasure in reading through your blog, even when I don't agree with you. I guess the major factor would be to make persons believe. 1 of nowadays I will get around to starting a weblog. It will probably be more for blowing off steam and much less useful than yours is though. Keep writing and I will keep reading through.
Reply to this